


i wouldn't be surprised if you understand me now

by sweggscellent



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-23 13:20:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7464876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweggscellent/pseuds/sweggscellent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gino knows about most of Suzaku’s things; knows the sorts of quiets that demand Suzaku be left alone, knows about the restlessness in the brunet’s fingers, knows that his habit of touching Gino’s face comes from a place of love but also from a place of insecurity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i wouldn't be surprised if you understand me now

**Author's Note:**

> warning for vague(ish) description of an anxiety attack

Suzaku hates the idea of Gino sleeping in the same bed as him.

It has little, if anything, to do with his aversion to touch. Suzaku expects Gino’s touches, desires them, nearly craves them. He wants to let Gino sleep in his bed with him, but Suzaku can’t allow himself subject Gino to the way he wakes every night, gasping and sweat-drenched, heart trembling in his chest.

Gino knows about most of Suzaku’s _things_ ; knows the sorts of quiets that demand Suzaku be left alone, knows about the restlessness in the brunet’s fingers, knows that his habit of touching Gino’s face comes from a place of love but also from a place of insecurity.

But Gino doesn’t know about the anxiety that keeps Suzaku trembling and curled up on the shower floor for an extra twenty minutes some days, doesn’t know about the way Suzaku’s vision blurs at the edges, how all he can hear is his own racing heartbeat and the way his discordant thoughts echo in his mind. He doesn’t know that some nights, most nights, Suzaku wakes up at least once, choking on a scream with after-images of his nightmares managing to blind him in pitch dark.

Nobody knows but Lelouch, and he only found out by accident, years ago.

It’s an innocent request when Gino brings it up, and even if it wasn’t, Suzaku should have no reason to mind it, because he loves Gino and Gino loves him and of course he wants to be held by his boyfriend some nights.

But when it’s mentioned, the very simple request for Suzaku to stay at the blond’s apartment one night, frigid terror braces Suzaku and he has no idea how to explain his issues, how to say no to that radiant, sincere grin.

So he does the next most logical thing.

He says okay.

 

* * *

 

 

They spend their evening watching a quirky little mix of horror and Pixar.

“You know that trick is like a thousand years old,” Suzaku murmurs dryly when Gino fakes a yawn and stretches his arm out to wrap about the smaller boy’s shoulders in the middle of _Ratatouille_ , but Gino just hums pleasantly, and Suzaku kind of likes it anyway.

It’s comfortable, and after their little movie marathon is over, anxiety is the last thing gripping Suzaku’s heart.

Gino leads him to his bedroom; Suzaku has been here before, has studied on the floor here and been fucked on this bed a million times, but he’s never fallen asleep here. When he catches sight of Gino’s unmade bed, Suzaku smiles fondly and strips all but his boxers off, settling in next to where Gino has lied down already.

“‘M gonna have nightmares tonight,” Gino jokes, rolling over so he’s half on top of his boyfriend, chin resting just under Suzaku’s collarbone.

It takes a second to realise he’s referring to the movies they watched, and Suzaku almost says something there, about how _he_ really _does_ have nightmares at night, how Gino shouldn’t be surprised when Suzaku inevitably scares him awake with his screams in a few hours, but he can’t force it out of his mouth. Instead, he smirks and says, “What, about French food?”

“Yes!” Gino says, eyes widening seriously. “Suzaku, the French eat _snails_. They are not to be trusted.”

Suzaku just rolls his eyes, tilting his chin down uncomfortably so he can kiss Gino. The blond smiles and hums, appeasing Suzaku and shifting so that he’s hovering a little more easily above him, and runs his tongue gently against Suzaku’s lower lip.

Suzaku lets Gino’s mouth and hands relax him, and by the time he falls asleep as the little spoon, warm and satiated, all of the fear has dissipated from his body.

 

* * *

 

When Suzaku awakes what feels like bare moments later, he is freezing despite being still enveloped in Gino’s overwarm embrace, and he struggles to break free of those caging arms, gasping.

Gino is awake, too, confused and worried, and Suzaku doesn’t remember screaming, but he must have, because the blond is sitting up and his voice is quick and a little panicked when he asks, “Babe, what’s wrong?”

Suzaku can’t think, can’t get out the proper words to let Gino know he’s okay, that he’ll _be_ okay, he just needs a moment. He flails his hand out uselessly, trying to wave Gino away, but he’s shaking too bad and there are tears in his eyes and he can’t even remember what he was dreaming about.

Gino seems to get it though, shifting slowly until he’s next to Suzaku. He is close enough that Suzaku can feel the comforting heat radiating from him, but they do not touch.

The brunet spends the next several minutes attempting to focus, opening and closing his eyes tightly as he tries to count his breaths and reign his heartbeat back into control. He slides a trembling hand outward searchingly, and it’s only a second or two before Gino’s fingers are weaving between his, squeezing reassuringly.

“Please,” Suzaku rasps out, and again, Gino seems to just understand. He slides closer still, pressing warm lips to Suzaku’s temple and whispering meaningless, comforting words until Suzaku can find it in himself to turn further into the embrace, until his forehead is nestled against the cradle of Gino’s neck.

“Does this happen often?” Gino whispers softly, long moments after Suzaku’s heartbeat has finally settled.

“Yeah,” Suzaku admits hoarsely.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” It doesn’t sound accusing.

“Couldn’t.”

It’s quiet again after that and Gino sits there with Suzaku, one hand still caught in the brunet’s as the other traces placating shapes into Suzaku’s naked back, until Suzaku shifts to make an indication that he wants to lie back down.

Once they’re comfortably settled, this time with Suzaku’s head resting on Gino’s chest, Suzaku speaks again.

“‘M sorry.”

“Don’t have to be,” Gino murmurs, stroking kind fingers through soft brown hair. “I love you.”

Suzaku hums and turns his head, pressing a featherlight kiss just beneath the blond’s collarbone.

When he wakes again, it’s to daylight pressing insistently against his eyelids and to Gino’s steady, strong heartbeat beneath his ear, one hand still gentle in his hair.

**Author's Note:**

> sign [here](https://twitter.com/eggsceptional) and [here](http://trashcollect.tumblr.com)


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